It's Time to Let Go
Cleaning out my closet and taking note of what's missing in my wardrobe while The Truman Show plays in the background.
Last weekend, I did something I’ve been putting off for YEARS. I went through my closet.
I’m what you might call…a minimal hoarder? I get really anxious about waste, and so I hold onto things. This ends up not only crowding my space, but my mind as well. My closet was an absolute mess, partly because it’s basically the only storage we have in our small apartment, so it stores not only my clothes and shoes but a collection of boxes, blankets, suitcases, holiday decorations, etc. Over time, my organization in that hell hole has gone downhill—I had jackets and coats getting caught on boxes, belts hanging right in front of the door so they slapped my forehead like a wet fish almost every time I entered, a pile of shorts on top of a pile of old pajamas on top of a pile of shipping packaging I save for whenever I make a sale on Depop. I don’t have picture evidence because I was outwardly ashamed…and also extremely forgetful that documenting my fashion/deconstruction journey involves, well, documenting.
But last Friday, I put on The Truman Show and pulled every item of clothing out, piling tank tops and shirts and skirts and dresses onto my couch. I was in a mad flow state, actively turning off the part of my brain that says, “But what if I’ll wear this thing I haven’t worn in five years tomorrow?” I made a giveaway pile, a sell pile, and a keep pile. And I barely thought—just threw items into one of the three, holding myself accountable to the simple idea of: have I worn this in the past year? Is there proof I will wear this again?
I am disgusted to say that I got rid of 4.5 trash bags worth of clothing and shoes. (To give myself some grace, part of using so many bags was because I got rid of a few coats and sweaters that were bulky and took up quite a bit of room.) But still, DON’T LOOK AT ME. How did this happen?? How did I accumulate so many items of clothing that I, at best, grew out of, and at worst, actively hated?
I’ve thought a lot about this over the past week, and I think it comes down to the fact that clothes/shopping/fashion is one of my main hobbies. I’d probably collect a lot of waste if I were more of a crafter, or even if I were more into interior design. For me, clothing is the thing I want to constantly update, play with, reimagine, and so I’m always looking for and buying the next thing. (To give myself some grace part 2, a lot of the clothing I gave away was also stuff I’ve kept for over a decade and worn intermittently, so it’s not all remnants of mindless consumption.) But the difference is, clothing is a lot easier to keep around than, say, a rug I want to switch out. And so I accumulate over years and years and years, wishing either for some previous version of my body that clothes fit differently, or for some ingenious idea for how to style something I’m just not excited about anymore. It’s called denial, I think.
But! This year, I’ve decided to stop my mindless consumption habits around clothing. No more buying things I don’t fully love! No more keeping things that don’t fit perfectly! And no more purchasing items made of gross fabrics that morph and pill and unravel over time. This is the year of mindful consumption.
To prove it, let me list what I’ve bought so far in the year of our cat 2025.
100% wool sweater. Bought it on Depop. Love it, wear it all the time. It is itchy because wool is itchy, so I try to just wear a long-sleeved shirt underneath and that usually does the trick.
This cropped halter tank from Quince. Okay, so this one is a mix of fabrics: 72% recycled nylon, 26% polyester, 2% Spandex. I’m not thrilled about that, but I’ve been looking for something with a fun cross-strap up top. It’s really comfortable and I feel like it can be dressed up or down easily. The night before this, actually, I wore it with a sheer black long-sleeved shirt underneath and some jeans and I felt great.
This black Sézane mini dress. Fabric content is 100% organic cotton. I’d been looking to buy it secondhand for a while when I finally came across it on Depop. I don’t think I even tried to barter with the seller, just bought it right away. You know me—I tend to stay away from form-fitting clothing, but I like how this one still flares a little at the hem.
This white cropped sweater from Quince. 100% organic cotton. I really like the way this sweater fits, which is actually kind of crazy for me. It’s a good length where it looks cropped, but I can still tuck it without feeling like it’s going to pop out at any second. It’s been one of my most-worn items during this False Spring season!
Other items I’ve bought that are not pictured:
100% linen shorts from Quince. I’m just trying to decide if I like how they fit. I bought my usual size at first, but they were a little small. So I sized up, but I still felt a little meh about them when I tried them on. I’ll give them one more try!
55% Hemp, 45% Tencel Seersucker Yarn Dye Check (whatever that means) dress from Afends. This is a brand that pops up on my Instagram all the time, and I often peruse but never buy. But they have this green gingham ’90s-style maxi dress that I’m really into, so I finally took the plunge. It’s en route at the moment, but hopefully I’ll have a picture to share soon of me looking like a total goddess in it. (With expectations like these, is it any surprise that I got rid of 4.5 bags of clothes?)
100% cotton mini dress off of Depop. It’s vintage J. Crew in a cute little floral pattern. We’ll see—I actually should probably stop buying things off of Depop. A lot of what I gave away were pieces I found there that don’t fit me quite right. Sigh!
This also allowed me to see what holes I still have in my wardrobe. I listed a few items that I’ll search for over the course of this year, to satisfy my hobby of fashion and to create a closet that is meant to intentionally last, not just be accumulated. I could use:
Light jeans
White tank top
Light-colored mini skirt
Fun, silk pants
Light-colored jacket
Black sweater (I’ll return to this one and the next on the list in the fall, since it’s warming up and I don’t need these things right now)
Oversized blazer
To end, I’d like to quote The Truman Show, since it’s what I was watching as I purged my life. (Slight spoilers ahead, if you haven’t seen it already.) If you’re a veteran reader, you might think that I’m going to capitalize on the way The Truman Show is an allegory for leaving high-demand religion, but you’re wrong. It’s always been a movie about cleaning out your closet.
Clothes I got rid of: Listen to me, [Abi]. There's no more truth out there than there is in the world [we] created for you. The same lies. The same deceit. But in [our] world, you have nothing to fear. [We] know you better than you know yourself.
Abi: You never [cared about what’s] in my head!
Clothes I got rid of: You're afraid. That's why you can't leave [us]. It's okay, [Abi]. [We] understand. [We] have been watching you your whole life. [We were] watching when you were born. [We were] watching when you took your first step. [We] watched you on your first day of school. You can't [give us away], [Abi]. [We] belong here... with [you].
([Abi] remains silent, contemplating)
Clothes I got rid of: Talk to [us]. Say something.
([Abi] turns back with a familiar smile)
Abi: In case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and [good riddance to you. I hope you find yourself in the home of someone who needs you. I know giving away clothing is a futile pursuit. I know most donated clothing goes to the landfill. This is why I kept you around for so long, because I saw myself in the worst and darkest corner of humanity and I didn’t want to add to the waste outside my own home. I was a greedy rat, buying what I wanted, and in some cases buying what I didn’t want because someone talked me into it. I know I used the word need above, and I know I don’t really need anything. I am fine. I still have too much. I am a cog in the machine of supply and demand. I am the problem and you are the byproduct of my consumption. I hope with all my heart you find what you’re looking for, and in turn, someone else does, too, in the Goodwill of Greater Washington. All I can do is be better going forward and never return to this physical and mental space of chaos and mindlessness. I bid you adieu.]
I wish you all well on your own closet clean-out journeys, if you so dare to embark. May we all encapsulate the bravery necessary to clean up our own messes.
Bowing out, wrapped in 100% cotton,
Abi
My closet is on my to do list and this post will help me actually tackle it :)
Your reasoning & exasperation at the beginning of this letter is like reading my own journal. I like the act of shopping—of being creative with my closet, & that fuels this problem. Haha not a bad problem to have, but in our small apartment, it feels like the walls are closing in. Ha feeling like a Truman Show rewatch might just inspire. Thank you!