Let's Chat About "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives" Season Two
Jury's still out if #momtok will survive this.
Okay, wow. Hi. I’m back from an insane month of travel and then a sickness that laid me out for a week afterward. Isn’t that how it always goes? Thanks to said sickness, I was able to binge the whole second season of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. And I have to say—as opposed to what I said about season one—the producers figured out what they wanted to communicate this time. But the producers and I still want different things.
This season was, at least in my opinion, decidedly more Mormon. There were so many prayers, or talk of prayers! Prayers before meals, prayers when they forgot to pray before meals, prayers when they’re feeling down, prayers on the side of a busy highway, talk of prayers bringing them closer to a God they’d forsaken. I also think the phrase “babies are a gift from God” came up at least three times. Many of the women were “missing God in their lives,” something I used to hear a lot when life gets crazy and you don’t have the same amount of time to focus on religion as you once did. And then there was the casual mention of church within conversations it doesn’t necessarily belong in—though of course that might have been the producers’ doing. Last was the temple shots during scene transitions. In season one, they did a lot more general religious structures, like crosses and saintly statues, but this time, the Mormon temples and church buildings ruled.
I remember listening to a podcast where the post-Mormon host asked her guest about the guest’s religion—which wasn’t Mormonism—and they laughed, saying something like, “It’s Utah! That’s what we talk about here!” Mormons love talking about their religion because their religion is their lives. Remember on TSLOMW when the women casually break out into the Young Women’s theme while on a girls’ trip? My other favorite part of that moment was the searing eyes of Whitney as she asked Jess something like, “You don’t believe any of it? What about the afterlife?” There were a couple conversations like this, where the women squirmed as they tried to define which parts of the religion they vibe with. This scrutinization, trying to figure out what side the other person falls on religiously…too familiar.
These are the underlying cultural aspects that pop up in everyday Mormon lives, and so I think they should be shown on the show. The first season was a little more chaotic, trying to establish itself, to let us get to know the women, to set up dichotomies that don’t actually make Mormonism or #momtok any clearer to viewers who don’t get it. The second season zoomed in.
One of my favorite parts to illustrate this specificity took place during Demi’s Christmas party. Demi pours champagne for some guests, and most likely Martinelli’s sparkling cider (or maybe even apple juice) for others. One of the women asks, just to make sure, after everyone has already pointed out that champagne is in the room, “Did you really buy champagne?” Demi takes the question in stride, saying yes and moving on to a toast. But that feeling! Ugh, I know it well. The woman who asked about champagne was obviously flabbergasted, and either wanted to confirm that she’d heard the right thing, or wanted to make sure Demi knew she was flabbergasted. Lest Demi forget she’s going against the Mormon church’s health code, the Word of Wisdom, by purchasing and consuming alcohol. Demi, on the other hand, seems used to this kind of questioning: she moves on quickly because yes, she is disobeying rules, and it doesn’t need to be a thing.
That is such a specific Mormon moment. We all—Mormons and post-Mormons alike—know the rules. So we all know when we’re breaking the rules, too.
Another few moments that illustrate the deep Mormonism in this show revolve around people asking others if they’re still going to church. These questions pop up in random conversation; like Taylor discussing her love life with her mother. Inevitably, her mother asks one of the usual questions: “Are you going to church?” or “Are you praying?” It’s that Mormon lightbulb moment: we hear someone is having a rough time and we think the answer is more religion! Never mind that questions like that come off as judgmental rather than considerate. In Mormonism, you’re in the right if you’re the one going to church, so you can say whatever harsh thing you think your conversation partner needs to hear.
One aspect I loved: the martyrdom. Ugh, I think each women at least once this season talked about how much they give others and how little they receive in return. This is definitely a real thing in motherhood/patriarchal societies, of course. Women can be run into the ground with how much they’re expected to give. But the women used this familiar feeling as bullets towards each other when it came to their group of friends specifically. Each of them would die for their #momtok girlies, and it just feels like no one else would do the same. :’( So, of course, no one else buys it, because they’re all spinning the same tale about themselves.
These details were fun to pick out, as they felt so real to me amongst all the other highly produced bullshit. This season’s fights and altercations felt more forced than season one, especially in moments like the one where Taylor’s mom shows up at Demi’s Christmas party, or where Miranda shows up like she’s going to be a villain and then she’s basically silent for the duration of the season.
But the moments that felt more organic just read as…sad. Jen’s whole separation/surprise pregnancy/depression? Super sad. Hard to watch. Taylor’s family absolutely obliterating her at a family barbecue? So terrible. There were a few episodes, especially earlier in the season, that left me feeling low and conflicted in a way I’m not used to with reality television. The parts that felt more real to me were the conversations between the #momtok drama, with side characters who are not as ready to feed into what producers think viewers want to see. These conversations were not as forced, which meant they were more real, which means that this could be Jen or Taylor or whoever’s real life, which means this could be how they’re treated normally, which means I just feel really bad for them.
Okay, and how about a follow-up on the men? The husbands? #dadtok? Actually, for all that buildup, I don’t have a ton to say. I think it’s obvious that Zac is struggling to be chill and supportive—but it does seem like he’s trying? The part where Jessi’s husband, Jordan, came careening down the hill yelling, “TAKE OWNERSHIP” has haunted my dreams. Bret…has confused me since day one.
I was talking with some friends about how there is a big list of don’ts for men these days, from both political sides: don’t interrupt women. Don’t show too much emotion. Don’t have a podcast. Don’t manspread or mansplain. But the roadmap forward isn’t as clear. So, I think we see different sides of the spectrum in these examples. Jordan is trying to defend the women in his life, but he sounds insane while doing it. Bret is trying to give his wife the spotlight, but he seems ready to happily lay down while Demi runs over him with a tractor. What men should do might take a bit longer to untangle, but even with all their clumsiness, it does seem like they’re trying to figure it out.
But, before I release you from this TSLOMW newsletter prison, we have to talk about where the show is still lacking: #momtok. Many times throughout the season, the women ruminated on #momtok’s fallibility. #momtok might not survive this. #momtok doesn’t stand for this. #momtok is supposed to be empowering women. #momtok is supposed to be tearing down the patriarchy. I don’t know if #momtok is a physical group, a movement, a metaphor, or all three. I don’t know if #momtok is even doing what the women think it’s doing. I think for the show to really nail it, we need them to dive deeper into what Mormon patriarchy even is. We get glimpses of it here and there—especially in season one with Jen and Zac—but it’s not clearly laid out, and so it’s also not clear what the goal of #momtok and TSLOMW even is. I, personally, am not here for the petty, produced drama. I’m here to investigate how Mormonism infiltrates these people’s lives, and so that’s why the “real” moments—like Jen’s depression and Taylor’s obscene family barbecue—stand out so much more. They give us a peek into a world so specific and insidious. But I don’t want just a peek—I want them to open the whole damn window.
Overall, I think Demi nailed it when she asked, in one of the later episodes, “What is #momtok?” We’re all still trying to figure it out. But we’re getting closer.