Rule Breakers #1: Macall Janis
Macall Janis, aka @redheadroller, unpacks her fashion history, reflects on unsettling religious experiences, and shows off her experimental "roll" model style.
This week, I’m thrilled to introduce my dear friend and past missionary companion, Macall Janis, aka @redheadroller on Instagram. We met while serving in the Houston, Texas mission for the Mormon church. Among hundreds of missionaries, the two of us were paired together for three months out of our eighteen-month service, where we had to spend 24/7 together, always within sight and sound of one another according to mission rules. While those restrictions can be breeding grounds for resentment and annoyance, Macall and I were both pleasantly surprised at how much we liked each other right off the bat. A ballerina before the mission, Macall was graceful in everything she did—the way she handled teaching and interpersonal relationships, the way she handled me and my extreme anti-morning personality, and the way she served and helped struggling missionaries around us. I remember us both crying one night—exhausted at the area we served in and the mission in general—and telling her she had a light about her, because it was true. Then we were crying and laughing.
After returning home from the mission, she got married (it’s what us Mormon gals do), went back to ballet, and ended up tearing her hamstring/groin which halted her ballet career immediately. Events like that basically require a total reframe: after trying to figure out what was next, that reflection period also led Macall and her husband to step away from the Mormon church. Now, they live with their three children in Southern Utah, where Macall reignited her passion for movement by joining the skate community, lighting up Instagram with her affirmations, date night outfits, and ballet-flaired moves.
Here are her thoughts on all things post-Mormon style.
Abi: Growing up, how did you interpret Mormonism’s modesty standards?
Macall: While growing up, I was often reminded to read the For the Strength of Youth [a pamphlet that summarizes the church’s standards based on their interpretations of scripture], which said things such as:
It is difficult to make an overall statement concerning modest standards of dress, because modesty cannot be determined by inches or fit since that which looks modest on one person may not be so on another.
But then, it also goes on to say this:
Girls should dress to enhance their natural beauty and femininity. Clothes should be comfortable and attractive without calling attention to a person’s body; for example, skirts should be long enough to cover the kneecap, and they should not be too tight fitting. Dresses should not be cut extremely low at the top. Strapless dresses and spaghetti straps are not acceptable either on sundresses or evening dresses. Few girls or women ever look well in backless or strapless dresses. Such styles often make the figure look ungainly and large, or they show the bony structures of the body.
Now granted, this is the older (outdated) version of For the Strength of Youth. But I feel like it really demonstrates my whole confusing experience with Mormon modesty standards. At one point, they’re saying we shouldn’t be making any statements about inches, or how things fit, but then they go on and say very specific things about how hem lengths must hit your kneecap—which is a clear standard that suddenly all women are being held to. It didn’t make sense to me as a teenager, and still, to this day, it doesn’t make sense to me.
I interpreted these standards at a young age as very constraining and controlling. It was always hard for me to understand and reconcile these beliefs because I also spent the majority of my time in a ballet studio, where I was constantly focused on using my body as a tool to perform and to draw attention. That’s essentially the whole point of dancing, right? I was using my body to tell a story, to share something that draws people in, and yet, in the Mormon world, women are constantly shamed and reminded that if they use their body to seek attention, they are sinning. Even to this day, it’s hard for me to put words to the feelings I experienced while trying to bridge these two very opposing views on my body. I’m not a rule follower by nature. I like to move to the beat of my own drum, and honestly, I don’t easily subscribe to rules that, when put under scrutiny, don’t make sense.
When it came to modesty, I interpreted a lot of the rules as recommendations and was always surprised when people would take issue with my clothing of choice. For example, when I was about nineteen years old, I had a really awful experience with a church leader. I had been dating someone pretty seriously and he ended up sexually assaulting me. I remember going to this church leader because I was really confused about the experience. I knew that it had felt wrong and that I felt the need to repent. However, instead of offering me understanding and forgiveness, he showed disgust and blamed me for the situation. He told me that perhaps if had not been actively choosing to wear such revealing clothes, something like this would have never happened to me. I was shocked that a church leader, who I thought was supposed to help me find peace and feel closer to Christ, made me feel so low. It left a really bad taste in my mouth towards modesty and how it could easily be used as justification for men’s choices.
Abi: What were modesty rules in your home growing up?
Macall: The expectation in my house growing up was that I would follow the standards in For the Strength of Youth. There were strict rules around swimsuits, prom dresses, and what was appropriate in the summer. As a teenager, I started pushing back on these boundaries. I remember one time on a family vacation in Hawaii I was able to convince my parents to let me buy a bikini. Bikinis used to be a big no-no for us ’90s babies, but somehow, I was able to persuade my parents on this trip. That bikini felt like freedom to me. I remember loving it and loving the way I looked and felt in it. I felt good! (Even though I had been told that I should not feel good in such a tempting piece of clothing.) It was a surreal moment for me that didn’t last long, because I remember sometime after the trip, I guilted myself into throwing it away. I pushed back every now again on the strictness of these standards, because something about it always felt yucky to me.
Abi: How did you feel about your personal style when you were still in the church?
Macall: It’s funny to think about personal style while in the church, because in high school (or, at least, at my high school) the cool thing to wear was skinny jeans and either a Hollister, Abercrombie, or American Eagle t-shirt on top. Like, that was peak style. So, I followed along with the trend and didn’t really think a lot about personal style or how to even explore that. A lot of my style issues came up once I was preparing to go on a mission and was given garments. I wrote a status on Facebook that said, “Well, it looks like I'll either be dressing like a polygamist or going naked on my mission, there’s no in between!” And I really disliked that feeling. There was so much of my body that needed covering, so much fabric that I suddenly had to wear at all times, and so much sweat because of all of it. Garments felt like a burden to me from day one, as I felt they sent the message that I should be ashamed of my body and cover it up. (I clearly don’t jive with the shame aspect here.) So, once I was wearing garments, I felt stripped of any personal style choices, because I would never choose to wear knee-length loose skirts and cap-sleeve tops otherwise.
Abi: How has your relationship with style changed since leaving the religion?
Macall: I have thrived while figuring out and exploring my style! When hemline lengths are no longer the sole focus of clothing, you are allowed to dive deep into the wide variety that there is in fashion. Crop top? Try it! Tube top? Try it! Mid-thigh shorts? Why not? Miniskirts, backless dresses, sheer tops—whatever it is you’ve been curious about, you can finally test the waters. I feel like the past two years have been an enjoyable pursuit in finding clothes that feel good to me.
Sometimes I still feel sensitive and worried, because I live in Utah surrounded by a Mormon-dominant population, but I try really hard to push back against those feelings and focus on myself. If my shorts are bothering someone else, that is not my problem to carry and resolve. If wearing loud colors is shocking to another person at a restaurant, maybe it’s a good exercise for all of us to reflect on the negative environment that strict modesty standards create. Because it’s not even just hemlines necessarily—we were asked to not wear any clothing or do anything to even our hair that would draw attention to ourselves.
Speaking of hair, before I left on my mission I had dyed my hair a deep red. I LOVED it. I felt so cool and so like myself with that level of fiery red hair. I have a fair amount of red in my hair naturally but I definitely fall more on the strawberry blonde side of the spectrum. I went bright red with a cool ombre into my natural hair color. When I decided to go on a mission, I knew that one of the rules was that you couldn’t have any unnatural color in your hair, so I was frantically trying to bleach out the bright red before I left. Red takes quite a while to fade out, so at the beginning of my mission, I got a handful of comments from leadership that I really needed to get the red out of my hair to meet mission standards. At one point, my hair had finally faded back to its original color and my mission president pulled me aside to tell me that I looked so much better with my natural hair and that I should always keep it that way. It felt like a backhanded compliment because while he was saying I currently looked really good, I must have not looked good up until that point. There really wasn’t a lot of space to explore my individuality, and when I tried, it was often met with disapproving comments. Stepping away from the church has been healthy for me in more ways than one.
Abi: Does style feel like a part of your identity now? Why or why not?
Macall: Yes! I feel like just this past year, I’ve finally found a landing place that makes me happy and feel like myself. I know what I like, what I actually feel comfortable in, and what colors look good on me. There was a lot of exploring to do because I never really got that opportunity as a teenager or young adult, but better late than never! It turns out, I like my shoulders, I like my legs—and I don’t love thong bikinis. There is just so much to test out and play with, because you don’t know unless you’ve put it on your body. I love where I’ve landed and how I can display little parts of myself through my fashion choices.
Abi: What is your favorite “forbidden” item of clothing to wear and why?
Macall: My ultimate forbidden item is a backless dress. I’m small-chested and have a cute back and I love that for me! I was never able to wear a backless dress growing up, so wearing one now and feeling beautiful and empowered in it is just a top-tier feeling for me. For the Strength of Youth said that women often look “ungainly and large” in backless dresses, and I couldn’t disagree more.
Big thanks to Macall for getting vulnerable here, and for being so freaking hot. To all our fellow “ungainly” sisters, we salute you.
Abi
Thank you for sharing something so personal! I grew up in the church but it was a modern one and the dress standards were pretty relaxed. I can't imagine being subjected to such strict rules and shame. There's enough shame in a teenagers body image already! So glad you finally feel free to express yourself and your God given body they way that feels right to you!