What Am I Allowed to Call Myself?
Thoughts on labels after I had the audacity to say out loud, "I'm a baker."
The other day, I quit therapy.
What an opening line, right? She’s healed! No, I’m just taking a break after I realized that the past few sessions have started with me saying, “I don’t really have anything to talk about today.” But as we went over notes for the final session, I was thrown off by the way I’d answered a question posed to me months ago at our last check-in about my hobbies. I can’t even remember what I said—reading, embroidery, writing, probably—but one thing was totally left off the list: baking.
Why did I never mention baking? Your guess is as good as mine. In fact, I even said out loud, “I’m surprised I didn’t put baking on the list. I’m a baker.”
I’m a baker? I’ve never labeled myself so definitively in conversation. I was shocked at my own audacity.
I do love to bake. I would say it’s maybe even a hobby friends and family might know me for? But to call myself a “baker” seemed a bit of a stretch. I know people who are legitimate bakers, selling their perfected wares to dedicated customers. I have never made money off of my baking, and I don’t plan on trying to. Isn’t that what a label entails these days? Some sort of monetary proof?
But then again, I don’t often call myself a writer either, and I do get paid for writing. I wonder if baking feels more real to me because I create actual products that are consumed and enjoyed, whereas so much of my writing lives inside a Google Drive folder, getting torn apart by me, revised, reworked, never quite done. I don’t have a finished product, at least if we’re talking about my manuscript. Never mind articles! I publish those because I’m on someone else’s deadline. Even if I don’t think it’s done, it has to be.
I kind of envy the people who label themselves as if credentials don’t matter. One day, someone is just another person on Instagram. The next day, their bio reads something like “Life Coach” or “Outdoor Expert” and suddenly their profile is taking off. I think there are lines here—like I’m not going to give some person who lived through a hard thing $5,000 to tell me how to also get through a hard thing—but I do respect the gumption it takes to announce yourself and your passion to the world, and to see what happens.
Baking is one of those things that can be taught a million different ways—through inherited recipes, working with family in the kitchen, YouTube, failure, culinary school—and so I do think there’s room for leeway in this space. In such an age-old practice, you can prove yourself by simply creating. That’s what The Great British Bake Off is all about, right? A bunch of amateurs setting out to show the world what they can do. I think many of them would balk when saying out loud, “I’m a baker” and yet, I consider them so much more talented than I am.
But still, at this point—why not claim the label of baker? I’m baking almost weekly (well, the demands of summer have thrown that for a loop, but in general, yes, weekly seems about right), and I’ve just started culturing sourdough thanks to some lovely friends for providing the starter. I documented a few bakes earlier this year, but the video format didn’t fit well for Substack, in my opinion. But just because videos stopped, I did not!
I stretched myself this year with what I can accomplish in baking. I am still not on the level of the bakers in The Great British Bake Off where I have merengue and genoise and buttercream recipes memorized, but I did practice new (to me) techniques and was pleasantly surprised at my own skill. I used to call myself a “lucky baker” because recipes usually turned out fine even if I was chaotic about the process, but now I think I’ve surpassed that. I think I just…know what I’m doing?
Why does it feel so hard to write that with any semblance of surety? There has to be some space in between imposter syndrome and overconfidence that I can inhabit. How about competence? There’s still so much for me to learn in the baking space—it’s just that lately, I trust myself to succeed.
Right now, my Instagram bio has labels, but they’re all about work. I’m producing podcasts. I’m writing for a weekly newsletter. I’m working with writers for a literary nonprofit. Sure, sure, sure. These things are a part of me, but they’re not exactly my joie de vivre. Wouldn’t I rather be known by the things I do that give me that sense of life-giving joy? That rise inside my chest that comes only when creating? Purpose in work just isn’t the same.
As autumn approaches, I’m excited to be in the kitchen more, covered in flour, cutting in butter, creating more of the little morsels that bring people together. That’s how I’d like to be known, I think: as someone who brings people together. (I’ve actually got some plans for this that I’ll write about soon!) What better way to bring people together than by baking, cooking, creating something for people to enjoy? I better get started.
Here are a few of my favorite bakes this year:
Mango and Lime Merengue Roulade
This recipe is insane. I got it from my book One Tin Bakes by Edd Kimber, the one I showed off in the last video I made about the chocolate espresso buns. I came across the recipe kind of randomly—it’s one of the only pages in the book that doesn’t have a picture and so it could be easy to miss. I had never attempted merengue in any form before this, so I was nervous, but dedicated to trying it out.
And it was weirdly easy! The recipe as a whole takes an hour, tops. I’ve made it several times since the first try, because it’s a new favorite of my husband’s and my in-laws who live nearby. It’s a vanilla and lime zest merengue base covered with melted white chocolate, whipped cream, and freshly sliced mango. It’s so light and incredibly easy to eat. There’s never enough!
For the first attempt, I rolled it to make the roulade shape. But it cracks a lot, as it’s supposed to, and so I found it easier to just leave it in the sheet form. I don’t know the math, but I think it somehow gives us more pieces this way, too.
Cardamom Coffee Banana Bread
Thank you to myself for forgetting to eat my bananas and letting them go brown. I only had three brown bananas, and I’ve found that a lot of banana bread recipes call for four. So I had some specifications here! I looked up recipes on New York Times Cooking (worth the subscription in my opinion!) and came across this cardamom coffee banana bread recipe. Knowing that I had some espresso powder left over from the espresso buns earlier this year, I thought this would be a great way to use it up.
And I’m so glad I tried it. This is the best banana bread I’ve ever had. I’ve made it twice this year, and I’m already looking forward to more brown bananas in my near future. Sadly no picture of this one…but it’s really beautiful when made, as it's topped with an espresso drizzle.
Raspberry and Rose Cheesecake Buns
Another recipe from One Tin Bakes! I’ve been wanting to practice baking buns and rolls, and so I put myself to the test. Last year sometime, I made some cardamom rolls that I was so excited about, but the dough didn’t rise as much as I wanted. With these raspberry and rose cheesecake buns, I got a good rise! I did feel like the filling melted into the dough a bit more than I wanted, so I’ll have to keep playing with that.
Another tiny annoyance: they were supposed to be topped with freeze-dried raspberries. I went to three stores around me, and no one had them! So the topping is actually freeze-dried strawberries, but I think the flavor profile still worked. These were also a hit with my in-laws (I take a lot of bakes over there because we’re all sugar fiends). I would totally make them again.
I don’t know what I am or what I’m allowed to be, label-wise. But the self is made up of little moments throughout a (hopefully) long life. So, with that in mind, I can say with confidence that at least for a few of my little moments, I’m a baker.
Getting my whisk out,
Abi
P.S. I definitely recommend One Tin Bakes by Edd Kimber. The recipes have all been so good and so doable, and the best part is that they’re British, so the sugar profile is a lot lower than American recipes I’ve tried. Turns out, you just don’t need that much sugar to make something delicious. Although, I still have trouble making whipped cream without a sugar add-in (in the merengue recipe, I always add a bit of sugar to the whipped cream—don’t tell Edd.) All in time…