Finally, the project I’ve been teasing hits your inbox today! It’s an audio essay that covers my agonizing thought process about whether I should have a baby or not. And after all this time, and all this build-up, I don’t even know if I’m fully happy with it.
I think that’s part of trying something new, of course—I’m always going to question myself, my methods, whether this experiment is “new” at all. I’ve rethought 99% of my own opinions. I already wish I’d said some things differently, or explained one section another way, or talked about other people who have influenced my decision through many conversations and experiences together. Of course, there are a million more ways I could approach this conversation, but I didn’t want this podcast to be too long, and I wanted to hit on major points I, personally, think about all the time. So, this is what we’ve got!
Have I sold it to you or what?
I’ve noticed a little phenomenon when it comes to me and big subjects like this one. In therapy, when I talk about something that’s plagued me for years of my life, I note a kind of relief over the next few weeks. The subject looms for a while, and then slowly dissipates until I rarely think of it at all. This is probably not new to all of the people who have done therapy longer than I have, but I think there is power to just saying it out loud. After finishing this podcast, I don’t actually feel as tangled about the baby question. I don’t have an answer, but I’m not drowning, either.
When researching for the podcast, I read this Vox article by a therapist who’s dedicated their life to helping people decide if they want kids or not. My biggest takeaway (though there are many) was that I need to stop thinking about it for a while. For the rest of the year, I’m not going down the thought spirals of “the baby question.” I’ll revisit in the new year. So, this podcast is my culmination of all those thoughts that battered my skull for years, and then, I wash my hands of it—both the creation of the podcast and the decision itself.
As I’ve complained about before, this podcast took a really long time to make, so I’d LOVE your feedback. Is a podcast something you’d like to see once a month or so on my Substack? Let me know in the comments! If I hear nothing like usual, I’ll just assume you love everything about me. Someone’s got to!
Happy September to all who celebrate. Let the best of times begin.
Abi
The Baby Question